Signs of Computer Addiction

1. Your wife wants a diamond for her birthday, and you get her a Diamond
Stealth Video Card.
2. You know what PPP, SLIP, HTML & FTP mean...but darned if you can
remember your wife's maiden name.
3. You sit in front of the tv...trying to type at a keyboard.
4. You find out that hemmorhoids aren't THAT painful, as long as you're on
the 'Net. 5. When someone yells out "What's for supper?" you do a search for
SUPPER.COM.
6. You suspect there's a virus in your mashed potatoes.
7. If you smoke away from the machine, you notice that the breaks are
getting shorter and less frequent.
8. The optometrist looks deep in your eyes, and sees a screen saver.
9. You finally save up enough to visit the Grand Canyon, and you can't
help but wonder how it would look on a 21" SVGA.
10. "Not tonight, I have a headache" has been replaced with "Not tonight, I
finally got connected".
11. Your computer room has a better air conditioner than your bedroom.
12. You wonder if you can install your own fiber optics telephone line to
your server.
13. You speak of "Your Server" with the same reverence you used to
reserve for your Doctor.
14. You never met the guy, but you've already decided on a plan to
assasinate Bill Gates.

A Beginners Guide to Proper Care Of Floppy Disks

1.Never leave the diskette in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

2.Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

3.Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.

4.Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

5.Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.

6.Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or unreadable text. Occasiionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.

7.If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigourously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (using Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with Scotch tape to prevent data loss.

8.Data access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

9.Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. See item 2 for more details.

10.Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other documents stuck in the middle of your own. Razor blades and Scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.

11.Periodically spray the diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.

12.Care should be taken to stop disks getting too cold. If they do, however, all is not lost. Simply put them in a preheated oven gas mark 9 (190C) for twenty minutes on a lightly greased baking tray.

You should have no trouble with diskettes now.

One Day, the creator of Microsoft, Bill Gates ups and dies. Bill is up in Heaven with St. Peter.
St. Peter says to Bill "Bill, you've brought us so many things through Microsoft, but you also gave us Windows 95.
So I'll give you your choice of Heaven or Hell."
Bill Says "Well, I want to see Hell." *Poof* He's there! And what he sees is unbelievable. There he is on a beach, girls running around in the nude, and its just beautiful. Bill turns to Peter, "Well, if this is Hell then I have to see Heaven!" What he sees is just a bunch of guys on clouds, and playing the Harp. Bill sees this and he makes up his mind and says to Peter, "St. Peter, I want to go to Hell!" *Poof* and Bill's Gone. About two weeks later, St. Peter is making his rounds and decides to check up on ol' Bill. So he goes down to hell, to see Bill Chained up to a wall being tortured. Bill looks up to St. Peter and says "Oh, St. Peter! You've gotta help me! This nothing like what I saw."
And St. Peter looks at Bill and says "Of course, its nothing like what you saw Bill. What you saw was a demo."