Two Brothers

Two brothers, 8 and 10, were exceedingly mischievous.

Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it.

Their parents were at their wits end trying to control them.

Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested they ask the priest

to talk with the boys.

The father replied, "Sure, do that before I kill them!"

The mother went to the priest and made her request; the priest agreed and the mother sent the younger

boy first. The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk.

For a long time they merely sat and stared at each other.

Finally, the priest pointed his finger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

Scared, the boy said nothing.

Again the priest pointed at the boy and shouted, "Where is God?!"

The boy panicked, bolted from the room and ran all the way home.

Finding his older brother, he said shakily, "We are in BIIIIG trouble."

The older brother asked, "What do you mean, big trouble?"

Wide-eyed and trembling, the littler boy gulped and replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."
 

Little Johnny

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?"

"None" replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well the answer is four" said the teacher, " but I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now.

If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was

biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?".

"Well" said the teacher nervously," I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No" said Little Johnny," the one with the wedding ring on her finger, " but I like the way you are

thinking!!!".

School Daze!!!

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.

"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Mom, give me two reasons why I *should* go to school."

"Well, for one, your 52 years old.

And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"
 

PERIOD(.)

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to

the classthe next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling

on them one at atime.

The teacher was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But

eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk,

made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she

asked him just what that was. "It's a period", Johnnie explained. "Well I can see that," she said, "but what

is so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a

heart attack and Mommy fainted."
 

Red Faced Girl

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss

Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body , which under the appropriate conditions,

expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I

assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.

Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you.

One, you have not studied your lesson.

Two, you have a dirty mind.

And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
 

Oh, Great!!

The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word

in a sentence.

Today's word is "beautiful".

Little Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?"

Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, my mom is the

most beautiful woman in the world."

Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit.

"Little Frankie, your turn."

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, the sunrise this

morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen."

Teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit.

Little Johnny, it's your turn."

Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, last night my big

sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said, 'Beautiful!! Just fucking beautiful...'"
 

The Confessional

A young Irish lad enters the confessional and says,

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned; I have been with a loose woman."

The priest says, "Is that you Tommy?"

"Yes Father, it's me."

"Who was the woman you were with?"

"I cannot tell you, Father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation."

The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"

"No."

"Was it Ann O'Brien?"

"No."

"Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Amy Thomas?"

"No, Father."

"Was it little Cathy Morgan?"

"NO, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your

penance will be four Our Fathers and five Hail Marys. Go back to your seat."

Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy, Sean, slides over and whispers, "What happened?"

"Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Marys, and six good leads."

DUMBER?

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach.

The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than

yours!"

The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men

with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw

Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber

he got!"
 

The Senses Of Kids

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory

exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell

aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.

Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever

imagine.

"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these", announced the teacher.

Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher

had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher.

"It's something your daddy and mommy probably call each other all the time."

Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted,

"Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"
 

Starting Young

A seven year-old boy announces to his parents,

"Me and Janie are going to get married".

"Oh?" says his mother. "And how old is Janie?"

"Five", the boy says.

What will you do for money?" his father asks.

"I get 15 cents a week allowance," the boy says, "and Janie gets a nickle. That should be enough".

"I see," says the father. "But what will you do if you have children?"

"Well," says the boy,"so far we've been lucky"
 

No Charge

My little boy came into the kitchen this evening while I was fixing supper. And he handed me a piece of

paper he'd been writing on. So, after wiping my hands on my apron, I read it, and this is what it said:

For mowing the grass, $5.

For making my own bed this week, $1.

For going to the store $.50.

For playing with baby brother while you went shopping, $.25.

For taking out the trash, $1.

For getting a good report card, $5.

And for raking the yard, $2.

Well, I looked at him standing there expectantly, and a thousand memories flashed through my mind.

So, I picked up the paper, and turning it over, this is what I wrote:

For the nine months I carried you, growing inside me, No Charge.

For the nights I sat up with you, doctored you prayed for you, No charge.

For the time and the tears, and the cost through the years, No Charge.

For the nights filled with dread, and the worries ahead, No Charge.

For advice and the knowledge, and the cost of your college, No Charge.

For the toys, food and clothes, and for wiping your nose, No Charge.

Son, when you add it all up, the full cost of my love is No Charge.

Well, when he finished reading, he had great big tears in his eyes.

And he looked up at me and he said,

"Mama, I sure do love you."

Then he took the pen and in great big letters he wrote, PAID IN FULL.
 

The Information Age

An eight-year-old boy asks his mother how old she is.

She replies, "It's none of your business."

He asks how tall she is, and how much she weighs.

She replies the same.

He asks why she and Daddy got divorced.

The same reply.

He goes out to play with his friend and relates the incident.

His friend tells him he can get that information off of his mother's drivers license.

Later, after sneaking into her purse, the young boy confronts his mother.

"Mother, you are 30 years old, you're 5'4" tall and weigh 135 pounds!!"

"Well, smarty pants," she replies, "If you're so smart, why did your dad and I get a divorce?"

"That's easy! You got an "F" in Sex!!"
 

"Lost Kin?"

An older gentleman and a young hooligan in leather, spikes, etc; were standing at the street corner.

The elderly man couldn't take his eyes off of the punks red, green, blue and yellow hair.

After a few seconds, the kid reels around and yells at the old man: "What are you staring at old man,

didn't you ever do anything really wild when you were a kid?"

The old timer replies: "Why yes, I'm afraid I did... I had sex with a parrot once, and I thought you might

be my son!"