What Does Your Daddy Do?
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
"Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your daddy do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "He's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher
explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

Butcher
A dog runs into a butcher's shop, grabs a string of sausages and runs back out again. The irate butcher recognises the dog as
belonging to one of his regular customers, a lawyer, so that afternoon he goes to the lawyer's office and says to the lawyer
"If a dog steals meat from my store, do I have the right to demand payment from the dog's owner?" The lawyer replies "Yes, absolutely." "Well," says the butcher, "you owe me $5 for the sausages your dog stole this morning."
The lawyer sighs and writes out a cheque for $5
A week later the butcher receives an envelope from the lawyer containing a bill for $20 for consultation.

An Engineer Dies
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Short Lawyer Bashing Jokes
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off of you when you die.
Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up
everything forever.
Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.
Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.