Signs of Computer Addiction
1. Your wife wants a diamond for her birthday, and you get her a Diamond
Stealth Video Card.
2. You know what PPP, SLIP, HTML & FTP mean...but darned if you
can
remember your wife's maiden name.
3. You sit in front of the tv...trying to type at a keyboard.
4. You find out that hemmorhoids aren't THAT painful, as long as you're
on
the 'Net. 5. When someone yells out "What's for supper?" you do a search
for
SUPPER.COM.
6. You suspect there's a virus in your mashed potatoes.
7. If you smoke away from the machine, you notice that the breaks are
getting shorter and less frequent.
8. The optometrist looks deep in your eyes, and sees a screen saver.
9. You finally save up enough to visit the Grand Canyon, and you can't
help but wonder how it would look on a 21" SVGA.
10. "Not tonight, I have a headache" has been replaced with "Not tonight,
I
finally got connected".
11. Your computer room has a better air conditioner than your bedroom.
12. You wonder if you can install your own fiber optics telephone line
to
your server.
13. You speak of "Your Server" with the same reverence you used to
reserve for your Doctor.
14. You never met the guy, but you've already decided on a plan to
assasinate Bill Gates.
A Beginners Guide to Proper Care Of Floppy Disks
1.Never leave the diskette in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
2.Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
3.Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.
4.Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
5.Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.
6.Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or unreadable text. Occasiionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.
7.If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigourously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (using Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with Scotch tape to prevent data loss.
8.Data access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
9.Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. See item 2 for more details.
10.Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other documents stuck in the middle of your own. Razor blades and Scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.
11.Periodically spray the diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.
12.Care should be taken to stop disks getting too cold. If they do, however, all is not lost. Simply put them in a preheated oven gas mark 9 (190C) for twenty minutes on a lightly greased baking tray.
You should have no trouble with diskettes now.
Tech Support Calls & Other Weird Things
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point... The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working just fine."
************
Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and
she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
************
Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document
back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he
needed to keep it.
Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me onto this diskette?"
************
I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something
like this:
Customer: "Hi... Is this the Internet?"
Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable
to "The Internet."
Customer: "So that will get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh... uh... uh... yeah."
************
Tech Support: "All right... now double-click on the File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows - because of the icons -
I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe
it was meant to..."
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms.' I don't believe
in icons."
Tech Support: "Well... why don't you click on the 'little picture'
of a file cabinet... is 'little picture' OK?"
Customer: [click]
************
Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game..."
Tech Support: "All right then, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot it."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed!"
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before! I crashed
the spaceship, and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
Bill Gates Dies
One Day, the creator of Microsoft, Bill Gates ups and dies. Bill is
up in Heaven with St. Peter.
St. Peter says to Bill "Bill, you've brought us so many things through
Microsoft, but you also gave us Windows 95.
So I'll give you your choice of Heaven or Hell."
Bill Says "Well, I want to see Hell." *Poof* He's there! And what he
sees is unbelievable. There he is on a beach, girls running around in the
nude, and its just beautiful. Bill turns to Peter, "Well, if this is Hell
then I have to see Heaven!" What he sees is just a bunch of guys on clouds,
and playing the Harp. Bill sees this and he makes up his mind and says
to Peter, "St. Peter, I want to go to Hell!" *Poof* and Bill's Gone. About
two weeks later, St. Peter is making his rounds and decides to check up
on ol' Bill. So he goes down to hell, to see Bill Chained up to a wall
being tortured. Bill looks up to St. Peter and says "Oh, St. Peter! You've
gotta help me! This nothing like what I saw."
And St. Peter looks at Bill and says "Of course, its nothing like what
you saw Bill. What you saw was a demo."
Page created January
8, 1999
Created by Norberto Arceta