The Old Bride

A middle aged man and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get married.

On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom "

Please promise to be gentle, as I am still a virgin ".

The startled groom says " How can that be? You've been married 3 times before."

The bride responds...

"Well you see it was this way. My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk

about it. "

"My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it."

"And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever.... God I miss him !"
 

BUSY

A man goes to the doctors and says "Doc, you gotta help me!"

The doctor says "What's your problem?" The guy says every morning i wake up with my "morning

flagpole".. give the missus a quick one, then go to work.

On the way to work i car pool with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride

to work..

Once i get to work i do some work and at morning tea time i go into the photocopy room and have it off

with the one of the young office girls. At lunch i take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good

bonking.. For afternoon tea i give the boss's wife a good servicing.. I then go home and slip the maid a few

inches.. Then at night i give the missus another screw......

"Well" said the doctor. "What's your problem?"

The guy says "Well, it hurts when I masturbate."
 

Headache Cure

A man comes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history

and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his

migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen", says the doc "I have migraines, too..and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I

learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a

migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off

with the hottest water I can stand...especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the

tub, take her into the bedroom and, even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex...and almost

always the headache is immediately gone.

Give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.

"Doc! I took your advice and it works! it REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is

the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well", says the physician, "I'm glad I could help".

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a really nice house."
 

Flashlight

A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make love. The girl wants it again and

the guy obliges her. She wants more and they do it again. She still wants more and the guy says "Excuse

me a minute I have to relive myself." While out of the car he notices a guy a half block away changing a

flat. He asks the guy "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she

still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me." The guy does and is just getting in the high numbers when a cop

knocks on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks "What're you doing in there?"

The guy says "I'm making love to my wife."

The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?"

The guy answers "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her."
 

Once A Year

After a few years of married life , this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his

doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the

shrink, the shrink confess, " I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells , "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing

blue smoke ........ The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have

to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a

year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news....... So, he is lying

in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?
 

Bad Timing

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his

professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so,

he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse

with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."
 

STUCK

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If

I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the

speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that

he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her

boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help" he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his

shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your private with that and go get help."

She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is

frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."
 

It Could Have Been Worse

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism.

No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse."

To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible,

that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom ? He came home last night,

found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, then turned the gun on himself.""That's awful,"

said Frank, "But it could have been worse." "How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "could it have

been worse?"

"Well," said Frank, "If it had happened the night before, I'd be dead now."
 

Truth In Sex

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

45 lbs.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

45 minutes.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

One sperm says to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?"

The other one says, "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

So they found Adolf Hitler. That's the good news.

The bad news is that they're going to try him in Los Angeles.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?

Sexual harassment.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?

$3.99 a minute.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between pink and purple?

The tightness of your grip.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

How are women and rocks alike?

You skip the flat ones.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the new blonde paint?

It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

How can you tell if your wife is dead?

The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same but you get the remote.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.?

It only took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

What's another term for lesbian?

"Vagitarian."
 

Who's The Boss???

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.

As Emma undressed for bed, the husband (who was a burly bruiser) tossed his pants to his bride and said,

"Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right!" said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this

family!" With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on, and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get

into your panties!" She said,

"That's right and that's the way it's going to be until your damned attitude changes!"
 

The Blonde GUY???

A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,

"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips

open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough,there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

"You bastard,"says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no

clothes on scaring the kids!"
 

Giving The Finger

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut

off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers.

Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be

incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act drawing the longbow was

known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French

by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK

YEW!"

Over the years some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture.

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker", (which is who you had

to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the

beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in

conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate

encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".

And yew all thought yew knew everything!
 

Gotcha!

Two couples were playing cards one night. John accidentally dropped
some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick
them up, he noticed that Bill's wife was not wearing any underwear!
Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged
red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife
followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under
there?"

John admitted that, well, yes he did.

She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute
or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that
since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to
her house around 2:00 pm on Friday.

Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her
$100 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left. Bill came
home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"

Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."

Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?"

She thinks  'Oh shit, he knows!'  Finally she says, "Yes, he did give
Me $100."

"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed
$100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home
and pay me back."
 

ED ZACHARY

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had neither had a date,
nor any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid she might have something
wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex
therapist.

Her MD recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well-known sex
therapist. So, she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you
crose" So she did.

"Now, get down and crawl reery fass to other side of loom." So, she did.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK now crawl reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said "Your probrem vely bad, you haf
Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, that why you not haf sex or
dates."

Confused, the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang replied,
"It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

"Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess
what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."

"Listen Honey," drawled the lady, "If y'all can hold it in one hand,
 I ain't interested!!!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells
size extra
large condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do.  Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until
someonedoes?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

The traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told
him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open
and a female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an
initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.

The man did this, the panel was closed, minutes passed. Nothing
happened.
He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open.

"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

>At a medical convention, a male and female doctor start eyeing each other.
>The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts.
>
>As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her
>hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel
>bedroom.
>
>Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has
>to go in and wash her hands. Once she comes back, they go for it.
>
>After the sexual interlude, she gets up and says she is going to wash
>herhands.
>
>When she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon."
>
>She confirms and asks how he knew.
>
>"Easy, you're always washing your hands." She then says, "I'll betyour
>an  anesthesiologist."
>
>Male Doctor, "Wow, how did you guess?"
>
>Female Doctor, "I didn't feel a thing."
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard, "Help! Help!"
>coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugs were trying to steal an old lady's
>handbag, but she putting up a Hell of a fight and wouldn't let go.
>
>I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking and pretend I
>didn't see anything... I finally decided that I should help.
>
>It didn't take the three of us very long to get her handbag.
>
----------------------------------------------------------

>A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is
>also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry
>sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a
>previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
>
>A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and
>picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.
>The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes
>that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
>
>Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.
>The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened.
>The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
>
>Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly
>brings him a menu again.
>
>"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
>
>"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
>The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
>After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the
>Macaroni and chesse with broccoli."
>
>Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is
>screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man
>comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
>
>He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming
>and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your
>panties before I take it to the blind man."
>
>Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.
>
>As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
>"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the
>fork ready for you."

>The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and
> says, "Hey! I didn't know that Mary worked here!"

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.  The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."  She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I forgive you and I'm in room 1221."
 
 

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.  "I want 6 shots of tequila," responded the young man. "6 shots! Are you celebrating something?"  "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me
give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, Nothing will."
 
 

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a gorgeous woman.  They exchange brief hellos and he notices she  is reading a manual about sexual statistics.  He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.  It  identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.  By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
 
 

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps  his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.  The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."  The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.  A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
 
 

Bill worked in a pickle factory.  He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.  His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.  One day a few weeks later, Bill came home ashen.  His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.  "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't."  "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired."  "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."
 
 

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit, he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her.  On doing this, she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any  reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan then the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as
it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.  The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happen to which the man
replies:  "She choked."
 
 

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.  He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for itnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."  The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.  "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
 
 

A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him.  The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints!  The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small guy.  "What's wrong?" The small white guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?"  The big dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.'"
 
 

GENIE Gets Even!!

After insulting the female genie from the magic bottle, Carlos wishes..

"To wake up with 3 women in my bed."

She says, "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle.

Next morning, Carlos wakes up with....

Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton.....BUT...

His penis is gone, his leg is broken, and he has no health insurance.