MADE IN THE PHILIPPINES!
*** President Clinton called President Estrada of the Philippines with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a national disaster!" "Bill, the Filipino people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied Estrada. "I do need your help," said Bill. "Could you possibly send 100,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?" "Oh, and one more small favor, please?" "Yes?" said Estrada. Showing off, Bill said, "Could the condoms be red, white and blue in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter. "No problem," replied Estrada, with that, Estrada hung up and called the owner of Philippine Prophilactic. "I need a favor, you've got to make 100,000,000 condoms right away and send them to the White House." "Consider it done Mr. President," said the owner of Philippine Prophilactics. "Great! Now listen, they have to be red, white and blue in color, 10" long and 4" wide." "Easily done, Mr. President. Anything else?" "Yeah" said Estrada, "on each one, print 'MADE IN THE PHILIPPINES. SIZE - SMALL' ."
Another reason why Pinays shouldn't bleach their hair...
A blonde Pinay, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself
out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She
went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner
if he had
any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde Pinay said, "How about pipty dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she
might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the
house, heard the
conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that
the porch
goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde Pinay came to the door to collect her
money. "You're finished already?" he asked.
"O-o," the blonde Pinay answered, "and I had paint lept ober, so I
gabe it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde Pinay added, "It's not a PORCH, it's a
PERRARI"
Imelda’s Stamp
After Imelda completed 10 years of being the first lady of the
Philippines, she wanted a special postage stamp issued with her
picture on it. Pres. Marcos, wanting to please his wife, instructed
the Postmaster General to make it happen stressing that it should
be of
international quality.
The stamps were duly released, and Imelda was pleased; however, very
shortly after the release of the stamp, she began hearing complaints
that the stamp was not sticking properly. She became furious and complained
to
her husband.
Pres. Marcos called Gen. Ver and ordered him to investigate the matter.
Gen. Ver checked several post offices and then reported back to the
president.
He said: "Sir, the stamp is really of international quality.
The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side."
MALAYSIAN TOURIST
One day a Malaysian tourist went to Thailand. The tourist
ordered a lobster for his dinner. After he finished, he asked
the
waiter :
Tourist : Waiter, what can you do with this lobster skin?
Waiter : We cannot do anything with it. we just throw away.
Tourist : Oh, no. In our country, we send it to the factory and
produce some prawn cracker.
Then the tourist ordered an orange. After he finished, he asked the
waiter :
Tourist : What can you do with the orange skin ?
Waiter : We cannot do anything. We just throw away.
Tourist : Oh, no. In Malaysia, we send it to the factory and
produce some orange jam.
Then the tourist ordered some chewing gum. After he finished, he put
it on his plate and asked the waiter :
Tourist : What can you do with the chewing gum ?
Waiter : Oh, no. We just throw it away.
Tourist : In Malaysia, we send it to the factory and produce
condoms and send it to Thiland.
The tourist asked for the bill. The waiter came with the bill and
asked the tourist.
Waiter : What can you do with the condom when you finish using
it?
Tourist : We cannot do anything. We throw it away.
Waiter : In Thailand when we finish using the condom, we send
it
to the factory and produce chewing gum and send it back to
Malaysia.
Tourist : ! ! ! ! ! !????????
PINOY ENGLISH
Use TENACIOUS in a sentence.
I went to The Athlete's Foot yesterday
to buy a pair of
TENACIOUS.
Use CONTEMPLATE in a sentence.
I went to a party last night. There was
so much food pero
co-CONTEMPLATE.
Use CURTAIN and KITCHEN in one sentence.
Aray! Huwag mo akong CURTAIN. Masa-KITCHEN.
Use PUNCTUATION in a sentence.
Daddy, pasukan na next week. Kailangan ko ng PUNCTUATION.
Use GUAVA in a sentence.
I just had a haircut. Masa-GUAVA?
Use DEDUCT, DEFENSE, DEFEAT, and DETAIL in a sentence.
DEDUCT jumped over DEFENSE but DETAIL landed before DEFEAT.
Use DEPOSIT in a sentence.
Paki-check nga ang banyo. I think DEPOSIT is leaking.
Use PERSUADING in a sentence.
Kiko and Kikay got married on June 1,
1992 so on June 1,
1993, they are going to celebrate their
PERSUADING
anniversary.
Use DEVASTATION in a sentence.
I wait for the bus at DEVASTATION
every morning.
Use CONCLUSION and OPINION in one sentence.
(Pointing to a door): CONCLUSION, hindi OPINION.
Use PAMPERS and PAPERS in one sentence.
At the gasoline station, I asked the
attendant, "Do I
PAMPERS or do I PAPERS?"
Use DIFFERENCE and DIFFERENCES in one sentence.
If the royal family has a baby boy, he
is called
DIFFERENCE; if they have a baby
girl, she is called
DIFFERENCES.
Use PROTESTANT in a sentence.
Apples, oranges, and other fruits
can be bought at the
PROTESTANT.
Use ANALYZE and ANATOMY in one sentence.
My ANALYZE over the ocean so bring back my ANATOMY.
Use IRAQ, IRAN and EGYPT in one sentence.
IRAQ is bigger than a stone; IRAN
is faster than a walk;
and EGYPT is smaller
than a truck.
Use SUBTERRANEAN in a sentence.
Yang si Alma Moreno (or your
favorite person of the same
genre), SUBTERRANEAN.
Use ASSOCIATE in a sentence.
My dog smelled awful kasi
naman pala next to him,
ASSOCIATE.
Use DINUGUAN in a sentence.
I tried turning on
the TV but no matter how many times I
tried DINUGUAN.
Use PAUL five times in a sentence.
PAUL, be carePAUL; you might PAUL
in the swimming PAUL
and make a PAUL of yourself.
Use HOSTESS in a sentence.
To answer a ringing telephone, you say, "HOSTESS?"
Use CASHEW and SKATE in a sentence.
I want to have a tattoo sana CASHEW mukhang ma-SKATE e.
Use CUISINE in a sentence.
I hope you studied last night
because our teacher might
give a surprise CUISINE
Math.
IF YOU UNDERSTAND THE FOLLOWING, YOU ARE A TRUE FILIPINO!
>
>Use SCHOOLING in a sentence.
>(phone rings).....Hello? Who SCHOOLING?
>
>Use AFFECT in a sentence.
>Maria is wearing AFFECT diamond ring.
>
>Use ADIEU in a sentence.
>If you are ADIEU, the Arabs will kill you.
>
>Use DECANTER in a sentence.
>You can order that medicine over DECANTER.
>
>Use DELETION in a sentence.
>The balat of DELETION is crispy.
>
>Use DESPISE in a sentence.
>Who baked all DESPISE?
>
>Use DIFFERENT and DIFFERENTIAL in a sentence.
>I am looking for DIFFERENT of this boy to get DIFFERENTIAL consent
so he
>can go to the picnic.
>
>AND NOW FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO CAN READ AND UNDERSTAND TAGALOG:
>
>Use BORROW in a sentence.
>Ang dumi naman ng BORROW mo.
>
>Use CAESAREAN in a sentence.
>Lintek, anak, mag-ingat ka, CAESAREAN mo iyang laruan mo.
>
>Use ARTESIA in a sentence (if you don't know what this is, it's a
city [or
>street] at the L.A. COUNTY in CALIFORNIA) Nako naman, ang ganda-ganda
nang
>bebot na yun, pero, ma-ARTESIA.
>
>Use CADET in a sentence.
>CADET ko si Maria nung isang gabi. Ngayon, ikaw naman ang CADET
niya.
>
>Use CARDIAC in a sentence.
>Na CARDIAC yung kotse ni Pedro noong isang gabi.
>
>Use CENTURION in a sentence.
>Na-CENTURION si Pedro ng tatay niya dahil sa kalokohan niya.
>
>Use DEDICATE in a sentence.
>Pag ginamitan ng glue, siguradong DEDICATE iyan.
>
>Use DELICACY in a sentence.
>Bagal mo... DELICACY mahuhuli na tayo.
>
>Use DEPRECIATE in a sentence.
>Sister, DEPRECIATE already, kaya pwede na tayong kumain.
>
>Use DIFFUSION in a sentence.
>Brownout...siguradong DIFFUSION pumutok.
>
>Use LAITY in a sentence.
>Taga "laity" si Imelda Marcos.
>
>AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST:
>
>Use MENTION in a sentence.
>Ang laki ng bahay nila, parang MENTION.